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The
other day I went to the dry cleaners to pick up some shirts;
while I was there, they cleaned out my wallet.
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A
teacher once told me that I was full of nonsense, but had no
sense.
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Sometimes
people look daggers at you so you will get their point.
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The
easiest way to get along with old age is to go along with it.
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One
night at a prize fight I met a lovely lady. She surely was a
knockout.
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In
any military organization, the privates and the generals have
one thing in common....they have to salute one another.
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When
I was first in the Marine Corps I thought the captain of my
company didn't like me. This was because every time I gave him a
salute he would return it.
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Why
is it that when your sink has a leaky faucet it is usually the
hot water faucet?
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Outside
I am short and stout, while inside I feel lean.
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I
associate with some fine women, each of whom gives me a hug when
we meet. They don't know it, but in my mind I consider them as
"Bob's Huggables"
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When
a policeman tells you to move along, it's best to go along.
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When
in the service it was my observation that a full colonel often
was.
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I
liked generals best because they always had stars in their eyes.
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Too
late in life I learned that you don't get anywhere by going
nowhere.
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If
you wish a person to remember you, try offending him.
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Men
and women in this country will never be fully integrated until
the sign on the rest room door says "US".
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Today,
I don't feel like myself, and yet I don't feel like feeling like
anyone else.
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No
married couples with several children each should buy a two door
car when they have a four car family.
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I
never have been in a fashion parade but I know I would enjoy
marching behind a band of models.
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Some
men get their high by climbing mountains.
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Today,
my voice sounds a bit screechy. Could it be that I have caught a
screech owl?
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If
the fashion designers don't know, they should know that I prefer
mini-skirts.
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In
my youth, modesty was considered an important virtue for women.
Today, this is barely so.
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It
is common knowledge that the majority of people do not begin to
use the full power of their brains. If that is so, it is most
fortunate that some people cannot do this.
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Time
is our express to eternity.
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It seems as if
doctors continue to get a lot of criticism based on the fact
that they seemingly earn so much money. When you take a look at
what pro football, baseball, basketball, tennis and hockey
players get for entertaining their audiences, there seems to be
only one way for the doctors to go. In their offices they should
set up a rock band, a comedian, a magician, all of which to be
supervised by a well known talk show hostess. A ridiculously low
entertainment fee could be charged to each patient. For children
under 5, fifty cents would do. For children 6-12 years of age,
seventy-five cents would be a fair fee. For children between
13-18 years of age, a dollar would be a fair fee. But for
adults, anyone over 18 years of age, the fee should be $12.50.
This fee should be paid in advance before they're allowed to sit
in the waiting room where the entertainment takes place.
Undoubtedly, a tax would have to be paid on this entertainment
fee, but the tax on the patient's patience would be much less.
And in this country, who ever gets criticized for providing
entertainment at a reasonable price? Let's give it a try,
doctors.
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Mini-skirts
are a little daring for the women and bit adventurous for the
men.
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Somehow
I get a charge by having my credit card on my person.
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The
easiest way to balance your checkbook is to put it on a scale.
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It
seems to me that many of our legislatures think that they can
wipe out the deficit with a Handiwipe.
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As it is with milk,
so it is with people; the cream rises to the top.
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Policemen,
teachers, firemen and so forth are usually referred to by the
media as public servants. In my mind, I think of them as public
assets.
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Fishing
was much more of a pleasure to me when I did it with a bamboo
rod, a line, a hook and a worm. And it certainly was a
lot less expensive. Oh, yes, 1 also used a sinker which was
often a small stone.
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I
am not nostalgic for the good old days, but I often wish I were.
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Back
in my hometown I knew a policeman who liked a stake out. In
fact, he would go out for a steak every time he was invited.
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When
I was a boy the only tanning we were concerned with was that
which our father might give us.
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When
I was a schoolboy discipline was a natural part of the
curriculum.
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Nary
a man who is on the top of the world is in danger of being spun
off.
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Most
political candidates build a platform upon which they can stand
during the campaign. These platforms are cleverly constructed so
as to self-destruct right after the election.
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There
is no substitute for a successful elimination first thing in
the morning.
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Politicians
come in for a lot of criticism because they want to be
re-elected. This is somewhat like criticizing a man because he
wants to continue sleeping on a feather mattress.
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I
am not the least concerned about how attractive an airline
stewardess is. My concern is simply that she be cheerful,
competent and serve hot coffee.
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Years
ago when I first went to Miami, I would often hear people ask
the question, "Do you speak English?".
Last time I was in Miami, I often heard the question, "Do
you speak Spanish?".
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Prune
juice is the one liquid which really moves people to move.
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Did
you ever buy a dozen of eggs at a low price only to find
when you got home they were self-cracking?
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Winn-Dixie
is a large discount grocery operation. They advertise that they
are the "Beef People". To my surprise, they actually
do listen to customers who have a beef.
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I
have a simple way of knowing whether or not we are going through
a period of inflation. At the end of each day I put all my
change in various containers according to their denomination, At
the end of the month, I total the amount of the change and
deposit in the bank. Now six months ago, I was depositing
approximately $30 each month. Today, I am depositing about $20 a
month. I have not changed my habits, and yet as you can see,
inflation has taken $10 away from you and me.
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I
wonder if the muggers mug each other?
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To
help him on the sea of life, a man should marry a tidy little
craft.
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Many
people and businesses have only one rule when it comes to money.
That is: Get more, get more, get more.
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The
only reason that people entertain lude thoughts is that they
entertain them.
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The
difference between a comedian and a humorist is that the
comedian is good for a laugh, while a humorist is good for a
chuckle.
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Today
I finally made up my mind
that I am not a decisive person.
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I
wonder how the government escaped thinking about requiring a
license for a man to seek a mate?
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Situation
ethics require the shaving of a bit here and there off the
truth.
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Our
laws forbid a man to have two wives. However, it is not frowned
upon that he have two women.
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My
father never said that he wanted me to be a professional man (a
man with a profession). Rather, he said he wanted me to be a
good man. It never occurred to me that I could be both.
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I
have faith in my ability to judge people. I do not have faith of
other people's ability to judge me.
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My
one consolation for being a short man is that I have never hit
my head against a low beam.
My Revenant
